If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize