we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
