connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
