i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
