it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
