My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
FUCK WHALES
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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