Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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