whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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