Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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