Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
