Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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