I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
