Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
