I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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