i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
