never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
