I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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