There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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