Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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