I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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