If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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