I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
