please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
