Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
