Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
