We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
