I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
