I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
