My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We left the knife in your bed.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
