I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
