Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
