shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
