I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
