Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
