I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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