i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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