You smell like a Billy Joel song
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
