you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
