If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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