That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
