Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize