he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
