Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
