Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
