You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
