Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
