Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're a waste of cheezeits
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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