I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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