I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
this hospital has no fireball
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
