Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize