he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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