just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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