I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
