I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
