just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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