onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
