at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
