Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize