Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
