It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
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