Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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